Now, more than ever, yes.

I was emptying drawers yesterday afternoon. I know I haven’t given you the novel I promised on why things with the genius are falling apart. It will still come, just not before I interject: I’m moving back to my home town. I do not wish to pay another month’s rent here, so I’ve got the rest of April to put all the pieces together. 

Six months of intense soul-searching has brought me to this strange precipice. I’ve known it was coming, this life-altering decision I would have to make. I was afraid that there wouldn’t be any sign-posts along the way and that I would just have to leap, terrified, into the unknown. Clinging to the hope that I wouldn’t have to go so blindly, I was bouyed and I’ve been rewarded.

When I finally started to do something about all the mess I’m in, puzzle pieces came into view. I don’t want to say I’m jaded, but with each little step I have to keep questioning and doubting and hoping. It’s a new life. I don’t want to lose the urgency to live wide open. There is much to do. There is much to hope for.

I raised a sport purse out of a deep drawer, and when I opened the purse, a fortune cookie fortune greeted me from a clear pocket: “Your dearest wish will come true.” It’s not really one wish in particular. It’s a schema of wishes. At a time when everything seems ripe, I want to say yes to life. I still waver with uncertainty, but I’m now taking steps, no matter the measure, instead of lying stagnant in fear and confusion.

(The link to “yes” in the previous paragraph is one of the best stories ever. Read it. It’s worth it.)

Shaken and Stirred

I’ve had to go underground. Anonymous. My previous blog was read by my husband and in-laws, so I couldn’t exactly let it all hang out without ticking them off or upsetting them. This blog is for my sanity. For my freedom of speech.

The title “Shaken and Stirred” signifies the state I am in after a year of financial turmoil. It has wreaked havoc on the marriage. I have constant heartburn. I can’t sleep. In fact, it’s 4am as I type this.  This is an awakening, and I do not wish to fall back into the coma in which my life was unfolding.

I am SHAKEN out of the stupor in which I’ve been living. I need to break loose of unhealthy habits, one of which is going with the flow. I need to use my head! Be proactive! This “take things as they come” mindset is quickly running me into the ground (possibly literally).

I am STIRRED to reconnect with my aspirations and to put them into action. Life is too short to sit back and watch everything whiz by. This year of grief has shown me that purposeful decisions must be made and enacted. If I never make efforts to be involved in what matters to me, I’ll never feel like my life has value. I am STIRRED to be better at this thing called being an adult. I want to be more mindful in all that I do. More aware and present. I want this to be a plan of action and not just some lifeless manifesto. My mother’s advice is to LIVE INTENTIONALLY. I plan to do just that. Or at least die trying.