I was emptying drawers yesterday afternoon. I know I haven’t given you the novel I promised on why things with the genius are falling apart. It will still come, just not before I interject: I’m moving back to my home town. I do not wish to pay another month’s rent here, so I’ve got the rest of April to put all the pieces together.
Six months of intense soul-searching has brought me to this strange precipice. I’ve known it was coming, this life-altering decision I would have to make. I was afraid that there wouldn’t be any sign-posts along the way and that I would just have to leap, terrified, into the unknown. Clinging to the hope that I wouldn’t have to go so blindly, I was bouyed and I’ve been rewarded.
When I finally started to do something about all the mess I’m in, puzzle pieces came into view. I don’t want to say I’m jaded, but with each little step I have to keep questioning and doubting and hoping. It’s a new life. I don’t want to lose the urgency to live wide open. There is much to do. There is much to hope for.
I raised a sport purse out of a deep drawer, and when I opened the purse, a fortune cookie fortune greeted me from a clear pocket: “Your dearest wish will come true.” It’s not really one wish in particular. It’s a schema of wishes. At a time when everything seems ripe, I want to say yes to life. I still waver with uncertainty, but I’m now taking steps, no matter the measure, instead of lying stagnant in fear and confusion.
(The link to “yes” in the previous paragraph is one of the best stories ever. Read it. It’s worth it.)
3 responses so far ↓
Amanda // April 6, 2008 at 10:07 am
“yes” oh thats a tear-jerker, in a good way, lovley.
O.k I think blogging is bit like keeping a diary/scrapbook so it should be about you/ for you. Don’t blog for anyone else.
Your dearest wish will come true… I’m sure it will ;0)
Sally Parrott Ashbrook // April 7, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Do you remember when I told you, “You’re gathering your strength, and the decisions will come in time”? Yes.
You’re growing so much–it’s really amazing to watch. Through all of the hardness of all of this (and certainly there is plenty), you just keep growing.
Furtheron // April 15, 2008 at 11:29 am
I’ll go read the link given you’ve recommended it.
And I’m very impressed with your brave stance on this. I’m never certain where I am is the right place, well very fleetingly I am sure at times, but I sometimes worry I’m only where I am in life cos I largely can’t be arsed to do anything about any of it. Anyone who steps out and goes through these changes has my deepest respect.